Travelers Guide to Job Hunting/The Zen of Workplace Terminology

[MHT <runfox@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Greetings all,

I am giving some <idle> thought to creating a "Travelers Guide to Job
Hunting" web site that would also include "The Zen of Workplace
Terminology".  Contributions will be enthusiastically accepted and given
full byline, assuming that you actually want to admit to your contribution.
Here are some examples:
The job hunt; what they say:
Because we promote from within, most of our job openings are entry level
and perfect for someone looking to launch a career in communications.
Please join us at an upcoming informational interview. The meeting will
last approximately an hour and you'll learn about the jobs that make up our
company, as well as current and future openings. After the informational
interview, we will meet briefly with anyone interested in the openings we
have available. Reserve your spot today. (Note: You cannot even view the
job postings unless you sign up for one of these monthly meetings first)

What they mean:
We don't hire older workers.  Furthermore, we won't even consider a resume
unless you show up at this bogus meeting so that we can have a good look at
you and make sure that you are young and attractive, rather than some old
fart in a mid-life career change.

Workplace terminology defined:
The Personal Incentive Worksheet (WIP), also known as the Career
Improvement Plan (CIP) and a few other company customized name, that all
mean the same thing. 
 If you have been foolish enough to voice an unpopular opinion, and/ or
piss off the Bosses next of kin, you will be presented with a six month
plan, customized just for you (not applied company wide) that sets the bar
so high, that you can not possible achieve it.  If by some miscalculation
you do actually achieve it, you will be instantly ostracized by you
colleagues, as you have now achieved a level of productivity that is double
theirs and they look bad as a result.    In addition, if you have managed
to mustered through the six months of abuse, you will then be presented
with a second six month plan, setting the bar yet higher and making sure
that condescension, snotty remarks and dirty looks greet you at the door
and continue through the day.  It is a classic lose-lose scenario and a
deviously clever plan. If you have managed to get this far without quitting
(and giving up any hope of unemployment benefits) you will be a good
candidate for the Looney bin, all your friends will be sick to death of
your whining and worried that you may be the next "gone postal" incidence. 
Sidebar: I have a friend who is currently on her second plan, no longer has
a social life and has taken to spending her entire weekends collapsed on
the davenport rolled up in a fetal position. She is trapped between the
lousy job and no job at all, thanks to the lousy economy.  
Regards,
 MN Mary




"A rose has thorns; a cat has claws. Certainly both are worth a risk"
		--Unknown
	

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